i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
