You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
