franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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