My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I supernannyed him into submission
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