dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize