I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize