This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In other news, I just burned my penis
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
