First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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