New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
