I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
