it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
