No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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