week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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