I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
