Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
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I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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