The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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