I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
the raccoons are back...
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