this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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