I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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