Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."