sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
In America we eat man semen.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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