She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
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He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
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At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.