I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice