im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
