Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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