I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
