So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
