Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
