she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
3 2 1 whiskey
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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