My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
