Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
