So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
