the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
