so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
