I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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