dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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