She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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