Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
