I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
