You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
babies were throwing up all over the place
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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