Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
