Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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