if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
