So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
