He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
