I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
