i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
