have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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