are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
