Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
