Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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