how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
