but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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