If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's blow job season.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
