If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
two words: eviction party
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
