Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
