the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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