I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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